PND Based Blog...Not Pretty!

Ok I think I just need to write and write and write!

The inside of my head is a big swirly mess that never stops. Especially not this week.

I can only describe myself this week as feeling grey.

I've quit smoking (currently on day 8) which I know is a good thing; there are loads of positives which I know about, less expense, don't smell, don't have to shower and brush my teeth before I touch T after each fag! So I am enjoying being smoke free. The OH has also quit, but he's struggling and he's on Champix so is a different kettle of fish, so I can't really go to him for support or praise cause he needs both of that.

For reasons I won't go into I can't get the support I need off my parents, so I'm having to support and praise myself which is really not working.

Then, every Thursday evening we do a family weigh in as a challenge for who can lose the most weight before my wedding. I've put on 6 pounds....IN A WEEK!

So I tried not to let this get to me too much so I've used my saved fag money to join weight watchers. So we'll see how that goes. Had a sneaky jump on the scales this morning and I'm a pound heavier than Thursday so am currently displeased with that!

It's affecting me more as I need to get back to and maintain the weight I was in February as I got measured for Wedding dress 1 then, and they don't do alterations within the price. Am getting measured for wedding dress 2 on Wednesday and I really don't want to! I'm a whale compared to what I was when I last went there and fell in love with my dress :(

So obviously with the weight gain I feel unattractive anyway, I'm due on on Monday so am dreading that, I'm coming out in spots, I've started an intensive mosturising routine as my skin was on the verge of crumbling away.
 I've got some crazy infection or something in my skin at the moment, so I keep randomly being allergic to the rings I wear all the time, then I've got a problem on my legs called 'Folliculitis' which is made worse by shaving. But I can't leave my leg hair to grow as it makes me feel more gross, so hairy legs and no scratching till I bleed, or lovely smooth legs with lots of scars on?!
My hair line appears to be receeding, I went to the dentist about the abcess I had and lo and behold he messed something up and now my tooth needs taking out, which would mean a double gap. So I'm going to another dentist for a second opinion on Thursday morning.

I feel as though I need a project, looking after T and cleaning is now automatic, I can't lose myself in it anymore. So I decided to help The Daughter before she joins me in Depressionville. So all last week I was making sure she was up by 10am, dressed by 11am, then looking for jobs. Then we went on walks, went to apply for jobs etc. Will be good if she can stick in that routine herself without me having to push her, because at the moment I need someone pushing me, in a nice way though! Again another positive has arisen from this, I feel as though The Daughter and I have gotten closer because of the way we've spent the week and that's lovely.

The next thing is me time, but me time when I have something to do, The Daughter loves taking T out to give me some time off, which is great, but if I've got nothing to do/no money or people to do it with then I just spend that time cleaning or sitting bored infront of the TV. I don't know how to fix that,

I've lost touch with a lot of my friends since having T, some of the loss my fault, and with others, theirs. I'm the first of my group of friends to settle down and have a child, they're all still out partying like its 1999! Which just isn't my scene anymore.

As for my relationship with the OH, it's great, he tries to be supportive and understanding, as a typical man he makes innappropriate jokes at alll the wrong times which just make me sadder/crosser. I don't always feel as though I can explain fully how I feel to him a) because I don't know how to and b) because I feel as though I'm just whinging about everything, which to be fair I am! But it seems to be justified whinging in my head! I want cuddles and time on my own away from the couch/house with him, but they aren't always options. Which is hard to accept sometimes. Very hard.

So I think I've covered most of what's rattling round my head at the moment.

Hopefully people can see how depression can consume a person and even if that person knows how they should be pulling themself out of it, they still need a very loving kick up the ass.

Maybe by writing and publishing this blog I'm asking people who love me to help me?! Subconciously, cause I would never ask for help, cause that's a sign of weakness and failing, grrr. Stupid brain.

I'm so depressed I might actually join the clan of crazy mothers who run round the park with their babies in prams twice a week, but I really hope I pull myself together before it gets to that!