Thanks to my Bullies

Well I suppose this is how all the best blogs are written, something hits you and you can't sleep because you need to pour it all out.

My mind was wandering along the merry path of how I try to be a nice person, even when I see the most hideous looking or acting person in the street I'll always try to find something nice to say about how they look.

I'm one of these sunny happy people who is extremely naive! I don't understand why people are horrid to each other without just cause, it has always upset and baffled me since I was a wide eyed innocent child.

That led me thinking back through my childhood and the bullying that was brought on from having that very attitude!

I didn't know what a virgin was till I was about 14. Never cropped up in my house, the bullies always used to ask me if I was one, and as I thought it was something horrible I always said no.

I was hugely bright as a child. Years ahead in my reading and maths, until hitting year 9 (aged 13) I realised if I was clever I would continue to be bullied.

Don't get me wrong most of the bullying in hindsight was down to my naivety and my appearance.

(You'll have to bear with me, this is all over the place but I need to blurt it all out and it's all very raw still!)

My parents weren't the greatest at helping me avoid bullying, bless them, they did everything to the best of their abilities but refused point blank to bow to fashion.

So everyone started school with their rucksacks, Nike, Reebok, Elesse etc. I was given an extremely expensive briefcase. Which I loved, my work fit in there properly and there was places for my pens. But not cool.

Everyone and their dog wore Nike Air Max. I had Hi-tec until the bullying took a turn for the worst and my mum caved in and bought me some....but not the right ones. I was pinned down by the bullies and had the trainers taken off my feet and thrown into a stream.

One of the popular boys asked me out, I should have been suspicious but I wasn't, I thought he'd genuinely seen the error of his ways, until he dragged me into a book cupboard whilst his mates held the door and he groped me. I never told anyone, you're the first! I didn't think anyone would believe me.

I remember an art class, there were 4 big tables, I went and sat on one and one bully told the people sat there not to sit with me, so they squeezed the entire class, bar me, round 2 tables and left me sitting on one side of the room on my own. The teachers didn't do anything.

In another art class one of the popular boys walked past and dropped his pencil and asked me to pick it up, me being so eager to please and be liked crawled under the table to get it, at the same time everyone on my table dropped underneath it, came back up shouting 'she showed us her boobs' this earned me the nickname 'wobble' through school. When I walked past people would shout 'wobble wobble wobble' and shake their chests as I had apparently done. My son says this now when he sees jelly, it brings tears to my eyes and makes me feel sick.

In maths classes I was constantly stabbed in the back with compasses, going home with blood soaked shirts trying to explain it to my mum or stick it in the washer before it could be seen.

I had a fire door swung shut on me on purpose. I turned to protect my face and my elbow got squashed in it and I had to wear a sling for a few weeks.

All because I didn't have the right clothes or horrid attitude towards other people. I always believed the bullies would one day see the errors of their ways.

I did stop working in year 9. Completely, to the horror of my teachers and parents. But I gained some friends, who helped me through the last 2 years of school. So I will always maintain I made the right decision, if I had carried on working and the bullying progressed, I don't know how my life would have turned out.

When I left school and started college I found myself. I found a group of friends who accepted me for me and my parents let me start buying my own clothes also! I'm still friends with most of these people now.

I had 4 years off from it then went from one physically or mentally abusive boyfriend to another until I met my Husband in 2009.

I knew what they were doing was wrong, but I'm a fixer I wanted to make them see the error of their ways, except I never could and I'd leave them after it had gone far to far!

But despite all of this, and no I'm not saying I had the hardest life in the world. I become somewhat stronger mentally, I'm still ridiculously naive and trusting and I still get stung by taking advantage of that. But the fact that I can still trust so freely and I still see the positives in life shows to me that you should be true to yourself, don't let people beat it out of you in any way shape or form!

I couldn't be happier right now and my positive is that all those hurtful things, physically and mentally, the f*^%ed up boyfriends that I've had have all made me who I am today and without them I wouldn't be here in bed, next to my gently snoring husband with my sons gentle snores coming over the monitor feeling like the luckiest person in the world! :)

(Sorry for all bad Grammar and spelling and stuff, I'm tired, emotional and I badly need to pee!)