Panic Attack and Random Thoughts

Well we've had a busy week so far and I am determining that although it is fabulous that T is so independent, it is not so good when you want to attend Mother and Toddler groups....

Firstly I'd like you to bear in mind that T normally naps 10 -12. I can push it back to an afternoon nap on occasion. I am currently trying to decide whether he naps at that time because he is tired or because it's routine to do so?!

After watching T complete a 12 piece jigsaw puzzle by looking at the back of the puzzle I decided that I needed to step up and find some other ways of stimulating him.

Then on one of my Facebook groups a group called Rhythm Time joined and I had a look, decided to go and check it out as T loves singing.

I confirmed that we would be attending, by around 8:30 on the morning we were due to go, I had a big stonking panic attack; couldn't breathe properly, my heart was pounding, I was shaking, I felt sick. All because I was going into a new environment. I didn't realise it had gotten so bad. I braved going, I know it's all in my head, and I'm usually fine once I get there, it's just the uncertainty of what will happen.

So the group started at 9:45am, as I don't drive I rang the taxi company at 7:30am and asked to book a taxi for 9:30am. They could only send me one at 9:10am, which I took. So we arrived early and waited outside for 25 minutes.

Went in and joined in the group, at first T wouldn't come and sit with me, so I grabbed him and sat him on my knee and he started to kick off a bit. the nice lady came and passed out maraccas. T gave his to me saying 'no, no want that one' great start. She then sang a song and the kids were supposed to bang the maraccas in time to the song off of various parts of their bodies. T did not appreciate me bopping him on the knee with an instrument he didn't want. After that the nice lady bought round scarves and played a musical version of peekaboo and then he was hooked!!

We finished the class at 10:15am, I rang the taxi, they said they would come straight away. As the class had been held in a soft play centre I decided it safest to wait outside with him. The taxi then eventually turned up at 11am!! T was practically asleep in my arms by this point.

When I got home I was a bit cross with the world. The taxis had cost £15, the class £4.50, that's a very expensive half an hour. So I have the dilemma of whether to try and continue and be willing to pay for something he enjoys or try and find something similar within a shorter travelling distance!

So I had a look about and I found a local toddler gymnastics on a Thursday and a dance class on a Wednesday morning. T normally goes to the in laws on a Wednesday, but they were happy to lose a couple of hours with him for something he would enjoy.

So I got up this morning, Funky Monkeys started at 10am, T was sooooo excited about going as he loves dancing. Again about 9am panic attack kicked in, thought I was going to pass out but I managed to calm myself a bit. Got to Funky Monkeys, the music started....and T essentially spent the whole class sat in the corner looking in a mirror. I was then in the awkward position of do I carry on joining in so he see's me making an effort and may come and play, or do I sit on the side and just chase him around the room/let him carry on sitting and appear as though neither of us want to be there. So I bopped about to Justin Fletcher alone.

Soon T decided he was lonely and essentially pinched all the other kids to come and join him in mirror land. So for one whoooole awkward Justin Fletcher song it was just the Mums dancing. At the end of the session one of the group leaders made what I presume was supposed to be an amusing comment, but considering I was holding back tears cause I was having a flap, it felt like a dig. She said 'Looks like our newest member wants this to be an adults only dance class' I felt judged, and stupid and as though I couldn't control my child, and I basically just wanted to pick T up and run away.

I didn't, we stayed till the end, and then after dropping T off at the in laws I went for a big walk in the sunshine, when I got home I wanted to just go to bed and cry myself to sleep, I feel sometimes as though I'm destined to be a bit of a shit mam, that's why T is so independent. I think one of my Twitter friends @Mummynevasleeps summed it up so well in her blog recently in her blog about depression I get a lot of days like this as I'm sure other parents do on occasion, sometimes though like Cas it just overwhelms you and it's very hard to pull yourself out. On days like this I usually flick through Twitter and 2 of the ladies I chat with fairly regularly @theboyandme and @girlgonecoastal and I see that they're doing cool crafty/bakey/experimenty things with their kids, and I feel even more useless! Their blogs www.theboyandme.co.uk and http://citygirlgonecoastal.blogspot.com/ This makes me wonder what kind of Mum I am, as in there seem to be Crafty Mums, Bakey Mums, Outdoorsy Mums....as with a lot of things at the moment I'm finding it hard to fit into a category, I'm just a Mum that's always there. I'm a tidy Mum, a walk round the park on a cold sunny day Mum, getting out the paddling pool at the first sign of sun Mum, reading books with my son all the time Mum...?!

So once I arrived home I decided to do my usual thing that makes me feel better with myself, and that was to clean, so I scrubbed every piece of glass inside and out till my house sparkled.

Then on a whim I asked if the inlaws could hang on to T for an extra hour and went out for a belated Valentines meal with the Hubby which was a nice ending to a crappy few days!

So yes, if you've made it this far you've managed to keep up with my here, there and everywhere blog, well done. My heads a bit confused, my heart feels a bit sad, I don't know what best to do for my son, that works for both of us.

I suppose I've just got to keep overcoming my panic attacks and constantly trying new things with the boy until we find something that we both really enjoy that doesn't cost a small fortune.