Thanatophobia - Fear of Death

I'm sorry that this is a potentially morbid post, but in light of recent circumstances it's playing on my mind a lot.

I lost my first Granddad to cancer when I was about 8. My parents dealt with it amazingly and I wasn't hugely phased by it.

I then lost my Nan to cancer just before I turned 18. That was much harder, I was so close to my Nan.

I remember being summoned to the home she was in as she'd taken a turn for the worse. My whole family was gathered, we sat having idle chit chat until it descended into silence whilst we listened to my Nans breathing. I then freaked out and ran out into the memorial garden. I was followed out by my Dad, I went mad at him saying how sick we were all sat there waiting to see if each breath was her last one. He sent me back home in the care of one of my sisters.

After lots of talking and crying we fell asleep. The phone rang early the next morning to say that she didn't have long left, that we should come and say good bye. My sister hurried off to get ready and I started praying. I prayed that she would go before we got there. Just as I uttered the word 'amen' the phone rang again. She had gone. I carry the guilt of  that to this day.

I went into shock after she died, my sister was due to get married the following week, there had been worries that I was too big for my bridesmaids dress, but by the wedding it had to be taken in.

In quick succession we lost my Dads best friend to Cancer (my 'uncle') and my cousins baby daughter to Leukaemia. Those were a horrendous few years.

I lost my other Granddad in 2007, I was living miles away at the time having moved to Leeds, I came home a weekend earlier than planned and decided to go visit my Grandparents. I remember as I kissed my Granddad goodbye he grabbed my hand and asked if I was happy, whilst looking deep into my eyes. I wasn't, that was why I came home, but I lied and said I was. He looked sad. He knew I was lying, and that was the last time I saw him as he died the following weekend. At the crematorium, I remember sobbing saying that I was sick of the sight of the place.

I have my Grandma left, but she has Alzheimers, which is very hard to deal with. Still I endeavour to see her once a month and I take T with me so he may know at least one of his Great Grandparents. She never knows who we are, but hopefully deep down it'll mean something to her.

I get very sad sometimes that I essentially have no Grandparents left, I know how much they would have all adored T, loved his big blue eyes, easy smile and cheekiness. I was sad that they didn't get to see me married to my amazing Husband (My Grandma was there, but I don't think she knew why) I wonder what they would make of me now if they were here.

From being very young I always had a 'Guardian Angel' complex (might not be the best way to describe it but bear with me whilst I explain) I remember being as young as say 4, and when my oldest sister was left babysitting me, I would stay awake till my parents came home. If she went in the bath I would go and sit at the top of the stairs until she'd finished. Incase anything happened in that time that I could prevent.

If I'd promised my Dad I would go see my Grandparents with him, and then decided I didn't want to, I would end up going anyway, because if I didn't go and something happened, maybe I could have prevented it.

I worry myself sick when people go away, or travel to work on an icy day. I have explained to those closest to me that I need to know the MINUTE they've arrived so I can relax. It took a lot of arguements with some, but now they do it because that's just part of who I am.

I have a huge phobia of death. I'm sure no one is looking forward to it really, but I think about it at least once a day, I cope up with plans of how I would cope if X, Y or Z died. I was that convinced I would die during childbirth but T wouldn't that I took out life insurance so that my Hubby didn't have to worry about money alongside looking after a newborn and grieving over me. I can't wrap my head around not waking up one morning, not seeing my son, my Husband, my Step Daughter, my family my friends. I then get panic attacks, so it's something I try not to do to that extent too often!

I'm very fortunate that my Hubby understands this particularly weird side of me.

In order to deal with things in my head, I make it my lifes mission to (when possible, and I'm no saint) to never part on bad terms, tell people I love them as often as I can so they're in no doubt that I loved them.

You'll never know when someone may be suddenly taken from you, so if you love them, even if they annoy you to death sometimes, make the most of every bliddy minute you get with them.

Maybe this is a selfish thing? It's essentially so that if something did happen I have no regrets. But telling and showing a person how much you love them is never a bad thing right?!