Now I Feel Loved :)

Wow, I've just randomly checked my stats (the Hubby's watching some documentry on Aston Martins) and even though I've not written since may, I've had an average of 150 of you reading my blog each month!

So I feel obliged to write more now!

The more eagle eyed (or blog fans) will realise I said Hubby, yep I'm all married now! I'll even show you some pics.

Wedding Number 1: 24/08/11 Traditional and Elegant Wedding

Wedding 2 03/09/11: Queen of Hearts Theme

Both weddings were fab, had a lot of much needed help from some very good friends and obviously our fab families and had two perfect day.

On the T front, he's 1 in roughly 3 weeks (1!!! As if!!) He's still set on just 4 teeth, 2 up top with big gap, 2 on the bottom very close together. The words are flowing; Hiya was the first, followed my Mum, eventually followed by Dad, then Allllll Gone is his new phrase which comes with much amusement. He'll get his toys, chuck them across the room, and yell 'alllllllllllllllllll gone' rather amusing!

Not getting very far with walking, he's standing up on his own for a few seconds but he's more into climbing than attempting to walk, he wants to be up, not just over there.

Here's a pic of him from the wedding if you've missed him!

Notice the complete lack of hair still, it's about 2 inches long from his crown, everywhere else, about half a cm long, he's getting very jealous of all these new born babies turning up with thick, luxurious mops of hair.

As for me, My PMDD seems to now be under control, I started on Microgynon in July and feel like a new woman, however my current dilemma seems to be clothes.

I have aired my displeasure at clothes shopping on Facebook earlier (what's with the new layout, it's garbage!)
The facts are:

I can't shop!

Simples. However 2 of my other first time mummy friends are having the same problems.

My story is as follows: I was fortunate enough to have 2 stone fall off my pre-pregnancy weight, to be the lightest weight I've been in about 10 years, however I don't feel that I've actually lost any size (but I must have, the Hubby kindly points out that i was a heifer when he first met me and now I'm dead skinny) I used to be a size 16/18 all over and I'm still buying size 16 in day clothes. My underwear I'm getting a 14, my PJ's are 14s and my PJ tops 12/14. So I must be that size.....so why won't I buy clothes in that size?

I've never had much interest in clothes shopping anyways, I used to buy anything I liked and would try it on as part of my getting ready to go out routine. Perhaps it's because my body shape has changed and I don't have the time (or energy) to go and play try on new stuff that feels weird because it's not what I've worn for the last 10 years? Also that money is too precious to waste on a top, that I may not have chance to try on when out and returning it is soooo much of a chew on. I just talk myself out of everything.

There's also the problem of how money changes when you're a mum (or maybe it's just me) I would never bat an eyelid about spending £20/£30 on a top, but now that money = 3 weeks worth of baby food.

Is this something anyone else has encountered? Does it ever pass? Should I get in touch with Gok Wan?

Answers on a postcard please!

Enter Sandman and Things That Shouldn't Be Talked About!!!

I'm enjoying the challenge of trying to use song titles as titles!

Well the OH said my blog was getting a bit stale so any suggestions as to how to spice it up would be more than welcome if I'm boring you!

The Enter Sandman title is brought about because T is doing nothing but sleep at the moment!

He's literally lasting no longer than an hour between naps, which I'm finding rather odd, the last 2 days have consisted of feed, play for half an hour, 15 minutes of whinging, 45 minutes of sleep, then repeat.

 Apart from on an afternoon where he's trying to sleep for 3 hours +. I keep waking him up as I'm sure he's not supposed to be sleeping that long.

Bedtime routine has been established, bed now at 7pm, he's sleeping through to anywhere between half 2 and 5, then back to sleep till 6/6:30am.

So if anyone has any ideas on why he's sleeping so much they would be greatly appreciated!

Well I said in one of my previous blogs that I was considering sharing the physical effects after labour, and I've decided that I'm going to do that (anyone squeamish stop reading now!)

I think it's important to know what can happen, I didn't know the problems I would have.

I was extremely lucky in the fact that I didn't put any weight on throughout pregnancy, and lost 2 stone from the day I gave birth, and I didn't get one stretch mark. I don't know how I acheived that, I think regular badminton playing pre-pregnancy may have helped pull me back in shape very quickly, but I used no oils or anything to prevent stretch marks.

The one thing I've suffered with all my life are heavy periods. I mean stupidly heavy, but they were a breeze compared to what my first period, post labour, was like.

Nothing escaped the leaks, I leaked through 3 pads and onto my sofa, within an hour of changing them. I couldn't leave the house, I've never done so much washing in a week. The sofa thing was the worst though, I was so so so so SO embarrassed, I tried scrubbing it out before anyone found out and I was crying the whole time I was doing it.

I need not have feared the OH was so understanding and lovely, I had to sit on towels, sleep on towels, I felt like I was a baby myself!

Since then I've had 3 other periods and they are either ridiculously heavy still, or extremely painful, the only way I can describe it is that my womb feels swollen and tender, and the cramps are just contractions all over again, I literally have to breathe my way through them. I've spoken to the Dr, about testing me for Endometriosis, she's said it's too early to tell if it's just my body settling down since labour or if I've caused some damage through labour.

It's very hard for me to write all that because periods are another thing that shouldn't really be discussed, and because of the consequences of them I get upset very easily talking about them.

The other problem I had/have again is not something widely discussed, the wonders of piles.

Never had them before and mine randomly appeared 2 weeks after giving birth. A lot of people get them during pregnancy and they have my hugest sympathies.

The first time I had a, errrm bowel movement (let's stay professional, poo would just make me giggle, just like I randomly laughed at the word bum earlier, very childish!) with piles, I was in tears, I had it whilst everyone else was asleep (I'm a paranoid pooper, I try to go when everyone is asleep) the sheer pain of it left me in tears, unable to sleep, I was in agony for about 6 hours. I went to the Drs the next day who brutally shoved a finger up my bottom to check it was piles and made me cry, he gave me some cream with some aneasthetic in it.

This did not help, or if it did I dread to think how much it would have hurt!

The agonising pain (for those who've not had it, basically think about passing a knife through your bottom, a big big sharp one, and there's just as much blood!) lasted probably for about 3 months, but it's now eased a huge amount, still slightly sharp pain, but nothing I can't cope with. My GP said they should heal and go in their own time, and I'm hoping that's what's happening!

So that's that all out in the open, I'm going to run and hide in a corner under a blanket and rock with shame!

Drs appointment on Tuesday in regards to PND, so will be interesting to see what she says, seems as I've still not taken my anti-depressents, bet I get a slap on the wrist for that!

So I asked for help...!

Well I didn't write yesterday because I was exhausted!

 How I felt the day before was positively chirpy in comparison!

So Thursday night, T went down about 8pm. Woke up at 10 for a feed, went back down again, woke up at 2:30am for a feed, went back down again, woke up at 4am, back down at 4:15am, back up at 4:30am, cue me sat rocking him to sleep crying like a crazy woman (oh hello PND!)

I took a stand and asked for help, for the first time in 18 weeks, which is pretty good going. I text my parents at 4:30am (my dad usually gets up at 5) to come and get him as soon as they were up, which they did, they came for him at about 8:30. I went back to bed and slept till half 12!

My parents were keeping hold of him till about 5pm, so I decided to treat myself to an afternoon of pampering, so I went for a super facial (facial, head/neck/shoulder/arm/hand massage) eyebrow wax and tint and got my nails done. 2 hours of pure girly bliss (helps that I'm friends with the beautician so we had a good chinwag.)

Picked T up from my parents after that, who said that they thought he'd been spoiled too much and was just screaming for cuddles (he's not like that at all normally) and my mum said she was a bit concerned that T had only had half a bottle in the full time that he'd been there. (8:30 - 5pm!) So I was very worried about that, my mam had given him some baby rice as she was worried but she said that T just didn't want his bottle. This is so out of character for him you can set your watch by him, he goes 3 hours to the minute between his feeds.

On our return home the OH and I were sat having a good heart to heart, wondering if we're introducing too many new things to him at once, with weaning and his own room. Also whether he may be too cold on a night. Even though his room is a slightly warmer temperature than ours, he's in a big airy cot, not a snuggly insulated moses basket. So we got out the Gro-bag.

Put him down again (after he wolfed down a full bottle and 7 tsps of food) he slept from 8 - 9, woke up for a cuddle (literally picked him up and he snuggled into his dad and fell straight back to sleep) went back down till 3am!

So fed him, put him back down, he woke for another cuddle at 4am, then back to sleep till half 6, and the OH got up with him and I had a lovely lie in till 9am!

So I'm wondering whether he's waking for reassurance?

In his moses basket he used to peep over the top, I wonder if that was to reassure himself that we were close by.

So hopefully the worst of the sleepless nights is over for a week or so.

OH raised his concerns that he thought my PND was back. I pointed out that I was just exhausted, being so very very tired and knowing that you have the responsibility of tiny human being for 9 hours when you wake up is very daunting! I explained to him previously that I'd found as long as I got 4 hours uninterrupted sleep on a night I was great, anything less than that and I would struggle. Less than 2 and I was in big trouble!

So I've told him to keep an eye on me and I'll keep an eye on myself!

When to Stop Being Wonderwoman and Start Being Realistic!

My Facebook status says it all *Exhausted, approach with caution!*

I've had an horrendous night.

Put T down to sleep at about 8:30pm, he was awake again at 10:30pm. Brought him into the bedroom to give him cuddles, which he accepted and then started to doze off. I was concerned about him a bit so I decided to bring him back into our room for the night, so I had to wake both him and the OH half up whilst I transferred all the baby monitor and stuff back into our room.

Tried to cuddle T back to sleep again but he was having none of it, so had to give him a feed. Got him to sleep about midnight, then had to get up and make another bottle should he wake up for another feed.

Think I got to sleep about 1am. T woke up for a feed at 3:30am, fed him, both back to sleep for 4am. T woke up again at 6:30am, OH got up to get his feed and everything ready, but left T in his basket whilst he did that, so as he was shouting and bawling I had to get up to try and keep him calm whilst we waited for the OH to get sorted.

Then OH went to work at 7:30am and I had to get up.

I'm so tired I could just sob.

I was feeling a bit under the weather yesterday, and feel a lot worse today. Am all stressed out as The Daughter has just recovered from 4 days of the worst lurgy I've seen in a long time, and I'm panicing that I'm coming down with it.

I say panicing because if I'm poorly, it messes so many things up, OH would have to do night feeds, which means he would be exhausted for work, and The Daughter would have to look after T during the day, or OH would have to take an unpaid day off.

Not ideal.

So I'm sat here wondering what's best to do.

T has just gone down for a nap, and as much as research suggests that the mum sleeps whilst baby does, it just isn't that simple. If you're tired and grumpy and try and go to sleep when baby goes down you can guarantee that by the time you wind down enough to get to sleep, just as the feeling of sleep washes over you, baby will then wake up. Which makes you even more tired and a hell of a lot more grumpy!

So I decided a few weeks back that that wasn't the best idea.

But what do I do about today?

The problem I've got is I hate asking for help, I hate the idea of palming baby off on other people, as it was my choice to give birth and therefore he's my responsibilty! (I know that's not the best logic in the world but that's the way I'm programmed!) We've had so many offers from my family for T to stay over with them so I can get a nights sleep, but what's the point?! Why should they have to suffer getting up in the night, they don't have a baby at the moment for a reason! Plus if I have a full nights sleep, that only tides me over till the next time I have a double/triple night feed! Also I have this problem where I feel that if I ask for help it means I'm a bad mother and I can't cope. (I know this isn't the case but you can't help what you think/feel)

I could ask my mum to take him for the day until the OH gets home, but she's got a dicky back and if she needs to get out and about lugging T and his car seat in and out of the car won't do her any good.

So I think I've established I need someone to do something for today, I just wish I knew who and what!?

I need to get realistic, when I'm tired I can feel the PND creeping back and that's definitely not what I want, so I need to set some goals and get a grip. I've got enough things going on in my life to amuse me for the day, wedding planning; helping promote the parents business; housework etc. If I can get through till 6pm tonight then I can sleep when the OH gets home.

Not the cheeriest of blogs, I do apologise, but it is a blog about everything to do with being a first time mum and I'm sure plenty of others have days like this!

Backwards Crawling and Potential Teething?!

Well it's definitely been an eventful day with T!

He seemed a bit grumpier than normal this morning, I think i've said before that he's a generally chilled out baby, if he cries, it's nothing that a nappy change/feed/nap won't solve. But today none of that worked, I had to do the good ol' dump him in his cot and walk away a few times.

Although for the 15 minutes I did get him to play on his GIANT new playmat, he discovered crawling....backwards! Very clever of him. He gets himself up into the crawling position then does some weird shuffle that just results in a reverse movement.

Must start childproofing house, must, must, must!

I'm gonna leave him on that mat for 2 minutes one morning and come back and he'll be gone, wedged under the couch or something!

Anyways back to the grumpiness;

He had BRIGHT red cheeks when I got him up this morning, like someone had painted them on.

On closer inspection they weren't just red, they were very dry and almost scaly looking, he had a bit of a rash on his chin, but with the amount he's drooling I'm not overly surpised.

So the grumpiness carried on throughout the day, then about 3 hours ago, he went from grumpy, to 'oh god won't someone please shut him up'! So we gave him some calpol and some bonjella, followed by about 7 spoons of bolognese and half a bottle of milk.

I posted on facebook a request for information on his symptoms, a lot of friends commented saying it sounded like he was teething, it could be eczema, it could be eczema because he's teething!

So that soothed me a little bit, but as I was giving him a pre bedtime routine cuddle, I noticed he was rather hot, so we took his temperature (normal) so I stripped him off; smiley happy boy again! Ta daaa!

But as I was scruitinising him in a different light I noticed that he has a skin coloured rash all over his face, his normally smooth skin is now like braille?! But he was still happy and smiley so not too concerned.

Was going to bring him back into our room tonight but decided not to, if i'm concerned when I do his ridiculous o'clock feed then i'll bring him in.

So silence reigns over the house as he's been put down for the night.

Fingers crossed I get my smiley boy back tomorrow!

Teething chomp?!